single new year,, again..

tym and tym again
i tell myself.. be patient..
like wat my sis will always say..
in order to see the rainbow you gotta stand a little rain..
i noe..
but the pain im goin thru..
its hard to indulge anymore..

yes.. we haf no status..
yes we haf no strings attached..
yes.. we r not together..
yes.. we might never be..

but..
i’ve fallen for you.
im not tryin to be psycotic or anythin..
but,
i reli miss the tyms whn ur around..
we may not see each other often.. but..
tyms spent with you is just….
it just brings happiness back in me.
simple messages showin tat you care..
simple messages to make me smile.
simple messages to make me laugh..

its just the simple things you do tat makes me happy again…
many tyms i wana say it.. but i hold back. coz..
its i just dont know wat you think of me and i dont wana freak you out.
i poured my heart out..
still..
my questions r left un answered.
its okay..
maybe..
just maybe..
its not tym..
or..
im just in my own world..

it hurts..
this feeling.. just hurts…
i just hope tat everythin wud be back to normal..
reli..
i reli miss those tyms..
my nytes wont be empty..
my mornings wont be dull..
i miss it..
mostly..
i miss you alot..

i guess thats all for now la..
it just hurts knowin i cant be with the one i long for at new year..
its like a cycle now..
im single again at a brand new year..
hais..

fuck la fairul..
stop dreading..
ur probably dreamin..
dreamin of something tat wont probably come true..
you know there never was happy ever after..
i noe you noe..
still…
u choose to fall for someone you noe u cant haf…
arghhhh!!

gosh i hate this..
i haf no one to talk to about my life..
i mean i do haf my sis n gee..
but..
somehow or rather..
i dun tell thm everything..
i dono why..
i simply keep it all bottled up in me..

i guess no one will truly noe or understand me..

no one..
worst still…
my own parents dun even noe me..
its not their fault..
i just choose not to open up to thm..

again..
its my fault..

it has always been anyway..

new year resolution?
4get it.
i wun get it anyway..
maybe…
we’re just meant to be friends…

waitin..

alone i shall be for all these nytes..
waiting for someone to finally hold me tight..
no matter how long it takes i will just wait..
no matter how hard it is i will not break..

i do believe in love at first sight..
missing u so much that i quietly cried.
the amount of pain im bearing inside,
even if i cant haf u, at least i tried..

the messages and calls are all so dear to me..
evrysingle tym, it rings melodiously in me..
i reli dont know how to keep it inside..
the more i keep the more i cried..

waitin here for the answers i dun haf..
for i dono whn will a message be our last..
i will keep on waiting for as long as i haf to,
if thrs one thing i need, its definitely you..

-fairul edham hirdayat-

better. i guez..

ok..

so..
i went for kyle’s bae party..
and im glad i did..
things were sorted out..
problems solved..
misunderstandings settled..

im just glad tat u saed wat u saed..
and sincerely..
apology accepted..

im glad my sis haf u..
at least ur thr 4 her whn im not ryte?
i mean..
with the way things r now..
im rarely at home..
so yea..

im glad everything is fine..

still…
i haf yet to get the missing piece to my life..
im just waitin i guess..

i shal just wait.

if it “we” are meant to be..
thn.. its meant to be..
if not..
thn….

hais…

i dono…

erghh…

smiling again..

u noe..

ur messages makes me smile..

just gettin a msg frm u lights me up..

seriouslly…

my phone have been dead quiet..

its like i haf no life..

im like better off w/out a phone..

its farkin quiet..

i mean..

the amount of message we use to send to each other?
woah..
the sudden silence was kinda hard 4 me..
oh well..
i understan tho..
i do wana kol you..
but……..
i dono la..
maybe i’ll just wait for u 2 b back…

i went hm yst..
was bored to death so i was goin thru all of our messages..
right frm the first to the very last…
its amazing how it all started..
i was smiling and laughin alone at home..
kinda crazy..
but..
wat the heck..
i miss you..

i still cant believe u saed ur a boring person..
readin all the messages, i was constantly smiling and laughing..
how can tat make u boring?
hais..
damn i miss u!
i miss u like a whole lot!!!
alot alot alot!

still countin down to the day whr i can see u again..
argh..
dammit i miss you!
i cant stop sayin it..
haha..

so..
tomorrow…

im so screwed…

its a saturday and its jammed packed with plans…

first. its sis bf bdae..
so.. i cant make it..
thn..
gee dance prac..
dun tink i can make it either..
thn…
jellybean’s bdae..
they myte b celebratin… thn.. how sia??
thn..
i chck my email..
got cheerleading meeting!!!
arghh…

tat one must go..
its about cheerobics and all..
erghh…

why??
why??
why so many things..

hais..

so ya..
i will haf to b at the cheer meeting..
hais..
cant wait to meet my cheer peeps..
haven seen thm in a while..

so ya…

i gues tats all for now..

tody jonson awaits his true love kiss..
haha..
so cliche..
wat the hell..

im so in love with ENCHANTED..

haha..

ok la..
tats all for now..

sittin wishin waitin…..
i miss you…
LOADS!

waiting..

i hogged the laptop the whole day…

the whole day..

sittin..
watching..
waiting..

but…

nothin…

perhaps im over-reacting..

perhaps im just psycotic..

well maybe its bcoz i haf bein in doubt.

yes..
u didn ask for this.
i didn either.
but i cant help myself frm falling for you..
i just cant.

im not like any loser out thr sayin or i like you and the next minute oops i like someone else..
no.
tats not me.
my feelings r sincere n honest n true..
yet..
no one seems to care…

maybe im just askin too much..
i gues its just me..
it has always been me.

no matter how hurt i am..
i shal be patient..

i understan..

no worries..

maybe….

i shud just cool down a little..

hais…

i really feel like crap…

hais…

god help me man…

hais….

u made me smile..

after a long wait for a message frm you..
i finaly got one..
and it leads to a phone call..
seriously,
after the call..
i finally cud sleep soundly..
after all my sleepless nyte thinkin of u..
the call we had was just…… hais.. im too lost for words..
i still feel rather shitty tho as we didn sae our goodbyes..
thanks to our line bein cut off..
i still feel tat ur kipin somethin..
sumthin tells me thrs sumthin else u wanted to say..
still..
maybe is just me..
u noe..
bein in luf..
u think about alot of stuf..
stil..
im left in doubts..
questions again left un answered..
for wats its worth..
im missing u alot..
hope u feel the same way too..
but..
i reli dono…
im not tat prince charmin..
no looks..
no bods..
no nothin..
just plain boring fairul edham hirdayat.. a.k.a tody jonson..
p.s im gainin weight!(shit!!!)
anyways…

i feel psycotic sumtyms..
coz its like,
ur in my mind constantly..
n i dun wana be paranoid n go psycotic u noe..
im not a psyco or anythin..
i just cant get u out of my head..

hais…

u noe…

if only there was happily ever after…

this world we live in is so unpredictable la..
everythin changes.. everyone changes..
maybe its not for me to decide..
i’ll just let god do his job thn..

this countdown..
will b celebratin at woodlands to support fantastic 4 and of coz the fantastic crew..
awesome bunch of people..
i sumhow feel like i wana b thr but i dun wana b thr..
i dono..
i’ll b alone… again..
every new year celebration im alone..
i noe im not the only one..
but stil..
it sucks..
my christmas wish.. is you…
my new year resolution is… to be yours….

its hard bein hu i am..
only i understand myself..
im so phucked up..
life so phucked up..
and i hate hate hate bein fat..
seriously.
i wana start coachin man so i can lose weight..
ergh..
my sis noes y im not home..
other thn the fact tat its near school..
i dun understand y i cant let my problems out..
i reli dont..
not even to my mom or my dad or even my sis..
i just cant let it out..

no matter wat problem i haf..
its all bottled up in me..
its just me la..

i saed it so many tyms..
my blog is my stress releaver.. i release al my probs here..
well..
again..
not all..

fairul u r such a nut case!
my god..
its no wonder no one want me..
i find it hard to be straight forward.
i find it hard to say wat i feel..
i find it hard to say wat i reli wana say..

its just hard..

i fear rejection..
y?
coz growin up..
i suffered alot..
so yea..
i guez it must haf somehow left a deep scar in me..

rejection.. fairul’s number one weakness…

hais….

oh god i miss you so much…

USELESS

I feel like shit.
I feel so useless and I feel like dying.
I went home..
Wanted to spend time with dad…
Haven seen him and mom and sis for quite sum tym so I wanted to go home..
I got home..
Thn he wanted to go causeway..
So we went to eat..
Thn I asked gee to join us..
Thn mom dad and sis went home..
So me n gee met ewan..
Had nothing to do so was chillin at civic and then went to ewan’s place..
Thn afta tat went to 888 to meet didi..
Thn….
I cant remember but someone was sayin lets drink..
So the boiz went to get drinks..
I wasn’t planning to gt drunk..
Well maybe just to get high la..
Thn ewan n didi was like goin crazy already la..
It was funny shit.. haha.
Anyways..
So kept on drinking..
As we all noe..
Im light weight..
So I was already swinging..
I kept my cool..
But after awhile.. cool faded.. haha..
Yea..
So it was around 4am or 4 plus la..
Thn sent gee home,..
Afta tat.
I was suppose to go home..
But I didn wana go home in tat condition..
I wudn wan my dad to c me drunk whn he is ill u noe..
So I was planning to chill at ewan’s place first thn go home whn im sober..
But thn..
Went up to ewan’s place and there it was..
Something so heavenly whn ur drunk.. A BED!
Soon enuf….
I was in dreamland..
Next thing I knew..
Ewan woke me up and passed me the phone..
It was gee..
I was like ..
O’oh..
Thn I answered and she was like..
Well she sounded pissed..
Thn she saed..
I tot ur goin to the hospital..
I was like..
Ya.. im goin..
Thn she saed..
Call ur sis.. ur dad FAINTED!
I was like..
Shit man…
I feel so bad la..
Im gona go c him tomorrow..

I will blog about mcr sum other tym..

And I was so fuckin drunk and I was sooooo super missing someone..
Thank god I didn blurt anything out..

Eh..
I miss you la!!!
Hais…

…

alot i wish to say..
but i reli cant say..

yea..
its like..
only how many days..
but stil..
hais..
reli wana lt u noe..
but i guez i’ve made things awkward enuf..

dun wana say the wrongs things you noe..
i already saed enuf i guess…
i dono la..
i feel like such a psyco hu is in love..
but hey..
i cant deny my feelings ryte?
i guez..
its takes tym..
hopefully….

again i say…
only tym will tell…
maybe its just me..
haha..
im a failure at love i guez..
constanly bein dumped..
constanly loving and not loved…
seriously.. i dun ask 4 it..
just tat…
does it take alot to be appreciated?
lyk seriously?
hais….

i dono la…

i reli dono..
my feeling is seriously growin for u..
i myte be crushed again..
still…
i cant deny the fact tat i like u…

erghhhh….
i miss u!!

gosh i sound so emo la…
wat the hell…………

erghhhhhhh

wow..

found this n i tried it out..

its a personality test.

and u noe wat..
its kinda true..

woah.. its shockin..

here’s wat it says…

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They’ll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that’s why you’ll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

as days go by..

ok..
movin on..
i still feel empty..
knowing tat ur not around.. i just feel empty..
erghhh…
damn it i hate this feeling..
feels like shit..
im just missing u alot tho..
reli..
thm i make it sound so cliche but im reli serious..
oh well..
only god knows how i truly feel…
i dono why…
i noe ur bz and all..
but still..
i constanly chck my phon even tho i noe tat u wont msg me..
i dono why..
i just wana smile..
but thn again..
hey..
i dun wana b psyco ryte?
i wana msg u but i dun wana b botherin u..
and whn i dun msg u.. i dun feel good…
i mean..
i have no one else to talk to..
i shudn b doin this la..
hais..
if i kip on messagin u wait u think wat..
i dun wan u to think tat im such a psycotic ass hu cant stop messaging….
im just reli afraid tat things will be diferent whn u gt bck to s’pore..
i dun wan anytin to change…
i hope i din screw up..
i reli hope i didn..
n i reli hope sendin u tat message was not a mistake..

haiz…