one word.. im lost!!!
ok fine.. two ords..
watever..
im just reli lost now..
i didn c it cumin nor did i c this happening..
not tat im unhappy about it.. just tat.. im so lost…
tots of u come into my mind…
and tots of u come into my mind too.
wat the hell man?
y am i such an asshole?
i dun wan to hurt u.. and neither do i want to hurt u too..
omg…
y sia….
wat am i suppose to do now??
just forget everything??
i cant…
you..
ive waited for.. for so long.. maybe.. too long..
others myte haf move on.. yt.. im still waitin…
and you?
you make me smile, u made me happy again.. u make me feel good..
and i love the tyms spent with you…
it may be sudden.. yes..
but reli..
i think ive falen for you..
knowin tat you love someone else does bother me…
yes…
i admit it..
but who am i ryte?
i dun wana b the one tat spoils ppl relationship just to make myself happy..
no..
thats not me..
but on the other hand..
you..
are nice..
but somehow or rather.. i think there’s nothin more to us other than friends..
its complicated..
fuck..
i just dun wana b such an asshole…
i mean..
if i were to be with someone else..
wudn tat make me an asshole?
after all that ive saed..
after how long ive waited..
well maybe thats it..
ive waited long..
and you?
your’e attached sia!!!!
wat the hell??
i shudn be draggin u into this!!
ur happy and attached..
wat am i doin??
you just reli make me feel happy…
bein with you makes me happy..
i like the tyms i get to spend alone with you..
its kinda sweet…
u noe?
since im lonely most of the tym..
no.. u dono..
ur attached..
im just a friend in both eyes…
erghhhhhhhhhhhhh
god dammit!!!!!
fuck it la..
watever happens happens ok?
i haf to stop this man..
im dreadin n dwelling and dreaming of things that can never happen..
gosh im in my own fairytale..
kip wishin there was happy ever after..
yea ryte..
more like..
confuse ever after..
im just starting to feel like im a real big JERK now…..
i dono..
i really dono wats goin on..
things are gettin harder..
more complicated.. i like you but i dun want to..
i like someone else and i cant let go..
i reli dono..
wats wif me..
a part of me wants to be with you..
a part of me wants to be with someone else..
a part of me id dying..
a part of me is struggling…
a part of me just dont know..
why the hell am i always gettin myself into this kind of things…
reli i dont..
manb its your love im craving for..
mayb its your touch..
mayb its your smile..
maybe its you…
its not ur fault ur too darn cute..
its not ur fault u haf a big heart..
its not ur fault u haf a great personality…
its not your fault …
now my heart is split into 2..
its stupid…
but i cant simply stop this feeling ryte??
i cant simply put things aside just like that..
i cant..
im not the typical asshole who says i love you and dont mean it..
im not tat typical asshole who says like you coz ur hot..
im not tat typical asshole tat cheats..
im not..
reli,
im not..
i just dont know….
it hurts…
hurts alot….
i love your company..
i love your presense..
i love the way you smile..
i love the way you look at me..
and maybe…
im in love.. with you..
you.. may not be interested.. and im just a friend..
and you… are “attached”
why fairul??????
why??????
IM SO FUCKING USELESS, PATHETIC, STUPID, UGLY, FAT, HOPELESS, AND DUMB!
erghhhh!!
die fairul… just die…
seriously,
im in a reli confused state ryte now..
bin emoing alot by the pool side..
emoing whn everyone else is asleep..
i cant seem to do anything..
im just reli confused…
wat isit i lack?
looks?
body?
features?
ami reli that imperfect?
i wana move on.. but i cant..
i fell too deep for you…
maybe im just waiting for someone to catch me fall..
i reli dono..
why the hell am i thinkin so much?
erghh…
its simple..
im in love with you.
cant you see that?
if reli ur not interested, TELL ME!!!
thats all..
im hangin by a thread here..
i reli think im gona crumble again..
can some one fix me thn?
can someone gif me something to look forward to?
can someone be there for me?
can someone be a reason for me to wake up every morning?
reli, its shitty bein single..
i sound super pathetic..
but hey..
i just need someone by my side…
hais…
thinkin alot…..
seconds, minutes, hours, days pass and i still am thinking..
what lies ahead for me?
what am i waiting for?
maybe i shud just move on.. maybe i shud carry on waiting.
i dono…
i cant think straight anymore..
i wana drink coz tatz the only tym whr i wont think so much..
i wana drink so i can just fall asleep..
i just wana drink..
i need a job..
i want a job..
i need someone by my side..
someone who will take good care of me..
someone who can put a smile on my face..
someone i can cuddle with to go to bed..
someone who will cherish me as much as i cherish thm..
mostly..
someone who will love me as much as i love thm..
im just too lonely..
and somehow..
i wont admit it.. but reli..
it hurts..
am i reli that fat?
am i reli that ugly?
am i reli that disgusting tat no one wants me?
why am i always falling whn the one i love dont intend to catch me fall?
perhaps i expect too much and want too much..
i dono..
im dumb okay..
yes.. i noe..
i sound pathetic..
but hey.
udge urself befor judging me.
ergh..
im reli cranky now..
so many things on my mind..
people givin me problems..
erghhhhh..
how i wish i can just dissapear..
but i wont..
i dono la.
skul haf started and im still on my own holidays..
u noe why?
no one cares..
i haf no one that is thr to push me..
to gimme a reason to succeed.
i opened up my heart and soul to you..
im will say it again,
i opened up my whole heart to you,,
yet..
you never answer me whn i ask you..
isit that hard to say how you truly feel?
really,
if ur not interested just tell me.
i wil get hurt and i will get over it.
but if u kip quiet thn i will kip holdin on..
thats how much i reli like you..
erghh.
fairul..’get a life wil ya.?
hais…
so close.. yet still so far..
so close.. to reaching that famous happy ending..
almost believing this was not pretend..
hais…
silence i’ve endured through the time and wait,
thinking bout my confessions and the things i’ve said;
was it a mistake i did i am left to ponder,
do you truly understand how i feel is what i wonder.
many times i try to look through rose tinted glasses,
dreaming of the time where we would walk together along the beaches;
smell of the sand, sound of the waves crashing,
im still in doubt and a chance is all im asking.
perhaps this is all a dream i’ve been dreaming of,
it cant be reality and it hurts a lot;
wishing everything would be back to the way it was,
now its somehow different, i find myself clueless and lost.
my feelings and emotions are taking over me,
its no infatuation, its love if you cant see;
was it by chance that i got to know you or was it fate?
from the first time we spoke and our very first “date”
i try so hard to hide my true self from the world,
it gets harder and harder i always end up in a swirl;
i cant tell anyone that its you i’ve longed for,
this feeling bottled up in me might come crashing down to the floor.
your messages, your smile, it just makes my day,
i dont know if u know it but i just have to say;
i dont want it all to end i have yet to have my last dance,
im not asking for much, but simply just a chance…
i’ll wait for you..
-fairul edham hirdayat-
a.k.a
-tody jonson..
finally..
i manage to let it out..
most importantly to someone i can trust and hu will understand..
i reli din wan things to end…
but thn again..
i shud just move on..
perhaps..
ther is still someone out thr for me..
i shudn be searchin..
i shud just lt it come naturally..
hais..
love?
haha..
fuckin complicated..
and..
it hurts alot too..
oh well..
it hurts to say this..
but thn again..
i dun think anythin will happen between us..
so..
i guess..
i shud move on..
one thing i hate most.. is bein treated like a block.. so…
i gues i shud just move along..
enuf dreamin..
it can never happen..
thr never will be a “we”..
thr will never be “us”
there has never been happy ever after…
miracle happened.. whn u came into my life..
now..
its all faded away..
so,
i shudn be sittin here dreadin thn..
i shud and i must move on..
it hurts alot tho.
reli..
it does..
i reli dono how to face you now..
it just hurts.
as easy as that….
goodbye fairytale…
hello reality..
i shal just wait thn i guess…
damn this hurts.
erghhhhhhhhhhh
maybe..
enuf is enuf..
perhaps things happen for a reason..
life.. is all about learning..
falling in love is another part of life..
therefore i gues..
thrs alot to learn..
heartbreaks and all are just a lesson to learn i guess..
and i think..
i shud stop sulking about it..
i reli dono..
i dun even noe if i can see you like i use too..
its so different now..
i kip tellin myself..
i hope things wud be back to the way it was..
the messages the call..
it means alot..
i guess you did ur thinkin..
u must haf tot it thru..
the least u cud do, is not leave me hangin..
i reli dono whr to head to or which direction to go..
fine, im emoing..
so what?
its me..
relationships are no game to me..
i take it seriously..
whn u saed u were looking for the right one..
someone just like me?
did u even mean it?
or were u just sayin it?
i shud haf known it was all too good to be true..
perhaps..
i shud make a move..
u nid tym i guess..
or simply like wat i toldd a friend.
are u not ready? or r u simply not interested..
im just gona stop chasing..
this marathon of mine.. is just way too long..
i may sound impatient.. but… i haf bin patient long enuf..
i shud forget all tis.
it wud be hard..
it hurts alot..
but u noe wat?
no one cares..
so..
so what?
i shud be able to get thru all this..
i shud stop searchin..
perhaps one day my fairytale will come true..
perhaps someday someone will say “i love you”
i shud just stop searchin..
coz everytym i tot i found the one..
it aint happening..
so..
i shall stop chasing..
i’ll just be waiting…
waiting..
for..
the one…
just kill me now.
tot of u makes me smile..
the tot of u makes me wana cry..
haha..
sounds fammiliar..
yea…
i poured my heart out to you..
like weeks ago..
or to be exact, a month ago..
still..
i have questions un answered..
i wana ask u..
but..
i dun wana go psycotic and everything..
im still holdin back..
but i dono how much longer i can shut up n live this little dream of mine which wudn come true…
i just dono..
i can move on..
but i wont..
i choose not to.
coz i tell myself that patience pays..
but still..
i just dono okay..
i reli dont..
maybe it just takes tym i guess..
shud let you go out n haf fun and catch up…
maybe you just don see things like how i see it..
it sucks..
but..
do i have a choice?
nah…
i’ll just haf to wait n see wat happens la..
hais…
